Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Randomize
