you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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