First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
