either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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