I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize