its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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