i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
