I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
