I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
