Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
