someone threw a dead crab at me
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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