I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
