put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
