Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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