you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
