One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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