Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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