i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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