It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
