We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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