apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
