She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
