Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he was CRYING into my vagina
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sorry my hands just texted you
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
