I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
