did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
