i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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