Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
