Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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