i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
