Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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