Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
