a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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