As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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