Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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