I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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