New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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