i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
