We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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