Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
