Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
