ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
