I hate all girls vehemently.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
