I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
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Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
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You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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