Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
