You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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