I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
