I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
