I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
