I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
