ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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