the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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