just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
