i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
