How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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